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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29764665">Mini Soaps</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JetBlackGoldfish/pseuds/JetBlackGoldfish'>JetBlackGoldfish</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vladivostok [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Political RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Vomiting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:20:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,845</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29764665</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JetBlackGoldfish/pseuds/JetBlackGoldfish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Three heads of state hold a mini summit in the far eastern Russian city of Vladivostok</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vladivostok [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2187627</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Mini Soaps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleSquare/gifts">AppleSquare</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by South African satire show 'Puppet Nation', very similar to Spitting Image</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Today was a bitterly cold, snowy day in the far eastern Russian city of Vladivostok. Russian President Vladimir Putin had organised a mini summit, and he was waiting for the other two heads of state to arrive. He had arrived in Vladivostok a couple of days before, and wanted everything to go smoothly - he had organised an itinerary of talks and sightseeing around this unique Siberian city. </p>
<p>On this snowy mid-morning, Vladimir was standing in the foyer of the conference hall, wearing a black suit with a white shirt and a red tie. Vladimir was in his late sixties, with pale skin, thin grey hair and ice blue eyes. A small smile flickered across his lupine face as his first guest, and his delegation, walked in. </p>
<p>Surrounded by armed security guards wearing heavily decorated olive military uniforms and grey fur hats, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un walked into the room. Kim was a man of average height, but appeared to be much shorter, due to his chubby, stocky frame. Kim had blue-black hair, cut into its trademark square shape, the fringe styled in a way that an early 90s jock would've been proud of. Kim was wearing a black shirt with a mandarin collar, black trousers and a light brown sheepskin coat with a white collar, with snow on his shoulders. </p>
<p>'Greetings, Vladimir,' Kim said in a deep voice. </p>
<p>'Dobroye utro, Mr Kim,' Vladimir said, shaking Kim's podgy hand. 'I am pleased to see you again. How was your journey?' </p>
<p>'The journey went well,' Kim replied, having arrived via his famous green train. </p>
<p>'Very good,' Vladimir said. 'Listen, Mr Kim, it will be quite some time before our next guest arrives, let me give you a tour of this building...' </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a tour of the conference hall and a quick cup of coffee each, Vladimir told Kim to wait in the conference hall. Kim agreed, and Vladimir went back to the foyer. Another head of state and his delegation had arrived. </p>
<p>Syrian President Bashar al-Assad had arrived, and his smile seemed to light up the room. Bashar was a very tall man, with slowly greying black, wavy hair and big, blue, almond eyes. He was a wearing a long, black winter coat and a grey shemagh, as well as a dark grey suit. He had snow on his shoulders and on the shemagh. </p>
<p>Bashar walked up to Vladimir and the two embraced quickly. </p>
<p>'Привет, Mr President,' Vladimir said softly as he let go of Bashar and shook his hand. </p>
<p>'Ahlan wa sahlan,' Bashar said in an even softer tone. </p>
<p>'I'm so pleased you agreed to attend this summit,' Vladimir told Bashar with a small smile. 'Come, let us go into the conference room...' </p>
<p> </p>
<p><br/>
Vladimir and Bashar entered the conference room and Bashar was surprised, pleasantly so, to see Kim Jong-un already sat at the small, round table, his light brown sheepskin coat draped around the back of the chair. </p>
<p>'Bashar!' Kim said, smiling widely as he stood up to greet Bashar. Vladimir sat down at the head of the the table and observed this historic meeting as the cameras flashed, capturing Kim's grin and Bashar's awkward smile. It had been many years since Hafez al-Assad met Kim il-Sung in Pyongyang. </p>
<p>The sight of the chubby Kim shaking hands with the lanky Bashar was almost comical. With the help of a translator, they had a short conversation, mainly about Bashar's father meeting Kim's grandfather. Several minutes later, Bashar and Kim sat down at separate ends of the table (Bashar removed his coat and shemagh) and Vladimir kicked off the important talks. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><br/>
Later... </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><br/>
Vladimir, Bashar and Kim had been talking and filling in paperwork for the past couple of hours - Kim was wearing horn-rimmed glasses and Bashar wore frameless ones. </p>
<p>Vladimir looked at his watch and saw that it was already two o'clock in the afternoon. He, Kim and Bashar had been working very hard, and Vladimir decided that it was time for a break. </p>
<p>Vladimir cleared his throat, and Bashar and Kim looked up at him. </p>
<p>'I think it's about time that we took a break. We're going to have lunch soon. Just go for a quick walk around the building.' </p>
<p>Kim and Bashar removed their glasses, put them away and walked outside. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bashar walked into the bathroom, and hoped that no-one else would come in while he was in there - he just needed a quick break from people. He had a great amount of respect for Kim and especially Putin, but Bashar had always been a shy and awkward sort, and back in the days when he often attended conferences, he would spend the intervals hiding in a cubicle and hoping he would be left alone in peace. Sometimes he was, although more often than not someone would come looking for him, and in worst-case scenarios, he'd have to block out the sound of some gluttonous sheikh using the cubicle next to him... </p>
<p>Bashar went hiding in the cubicle. Surely someone would come looking for him when lunch was being served... </p>
<p>A few minutes later, Bashar heard the bathroom door open and footsteps walk in. He was expecting to hear someone say 'Mr al-Assad, are you in here?' No-one did, but Bashar did hear an unusual sound... sort of a munching sound. A sound unlike anything he'd ever heard before... </p>
<p>So he stood up, unlocked the cubicle door and walked out, and saw a sight unlike anything else he'd ever seen. </p>
<p>Bashar had raised three children, so he'd had to deal with their toddler phases of eating dirt, but this was something else, and he couldn't believe what he was seeing with his own eyes. He rubbed them and blinked. </p>
<p>Kim Jong-un was standing by the urinals, eating the urinal soaps. Bashar gulped, wondering what the fuck Kim was eating soap for. </p>
<p>'Kim, what are you doing?' </p>
<p>Kim stared at Bashar in surprise for several uncomfortable seconds. Then, Kim slowly turned his head back to the soap in his hand, and continued eating it slowly. </p>
<p>'Kim... that is soap you're eating.' </p>
<p>Kim nodded and said 'Ja, es ist gut. Diese schmecken nach Zitrone.'  </p>
<p>Bashar gulped, took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom. Seeing Kim eating urinal soaps had made him lose his appetite. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the cafeteria, Putin and Assad sat at a table together. 'Bashar, are you all right?' </p>
<p>'Yes, dear Vova,' Bashar said, sipping some raspberry mors. 'I'm just thinking.' </p>
<p>'Are you sure?' Vladimir asked. 'You look a bit pale, that's all.' </p>
<p>'I'm fine,' Bashar said quietly, sipping his raspberry drink again as Kim walked in. Kim sat next to Putin, and Putin was blissfully unaware of what Kim had been up to. </p>
<p>'Привет, Mr Kim! Are you enjoying your trip to Vladivostok so far?' </p>
<p>'Yes, I have enjoyed myself so far, Mr Putin. I am very grateful for the opportunity to meet you and Mr al-Assad in this beautiful city.' </p>
<p>Bashar felt a little bit better now, and looked up at Kim. 'It has been an honour to meet you too, Mr Kim,' he said, smiling a little, but still unable to forget what he had seen. </p>
<p>'Oh look, here comes our food!' Putin said excitedly. 'Mr Kim, due to Vladivostok's close proximity to China and Korea, the local food does share some similarities with those cuisines, I hope you'll enjoy it.' </p>
<p><em>He definitely enjoyed his appetizer</em>, Bashar thought. Honestly, he wasn't all that keen on most Russian food, except for blinis and Teremok. He would love a mozzarella or a creamed honey and pine nuts blini right now... </p>
<p>'Obed podayetsya' the chef said, placing a large silver platter on the table. </p>
<p>Kim and Vladimir looked delighted. Bashar did not. </p>
<p>Today's main course was Kamchatka crab - a whole, giant crab, served with slices of lemon. Kim was already tucking in and said 'Herr Putin, dies ist das köstlichste Krabbenessen, das ich je gegessen habe!' </p>
<p>'Ich freue mich sehr, dass Sie es genießen, Herr Kim,' Putin said. Kim had attended a German-speaking school in Switzerland as a child, and Putin was fluent in German, due to the time he spent in East Germany during his KGB days. Bashar, however, spoke Arabic, English and casual French, and felt very uncomfortable staring into the eyes of this crab. Bashar was hardly a vegetarian or vegan sort, but something about this giant crab, and the way Kim and Putin were eating it, made him feel very uneasy... </p>
<p>Bashar blanched, stood up, turned around and vomited on the floor. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><br/>
After a large glass of water, Bashar insisted that he felt better. However, Vladimir and Kim were shocked by seeing their fellow head of state throw up in front of them, and Vladimir had suggested that they reschedule the afternoon's talks for another time. </p>
<p>'No, Vladimir, don't put yourself through all that trouble. I'm perfectly fine,' Bashar said while sat back down, feeling quite embarrassed over what had just happened. </p>
<p>'Are you absolutely sure?' Vladimir asked, placing a hand on Bashar's shoulder. </p>
<p>'I'm certain,' Bashar said, smiling weakly, 'but if you don't mind, I think I'll skip lunch and have another walk around the building.' </p>
<p>'Of course,' Vladimir said, 'but meet us back at the conference room in half-an-hour.' </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The rest of the afternoon went smoothly, with Vladimir, Kim and Bashar sitting back in the conference room, discussing, debating, and reading important documents. Some agreements were signed, but nothing very concrete or historical. It was now late afternoon, and it was time for Kim to return to Pyongyang. The train station was an hour's walk away, so the three presidents put on their coats and decided to all walk together, with their delegations and security all walking behind them. </p>
<p>While walking along a gravel path, they could see the sea and the famous Vladivostok lighthouse. Bashar and Vladimir stopped for a moment, to take photos of the lighthouse, then they all continued on their way again, soon reaching Vladivostok Railway Station, a grand building with many windows. Vladimir and Bashar even followed Kim onto the platform. </p>
<p>Vladimir, Bashar and Kim stood on the platform for a few minutes, talking, making silly jokes and laughing. </p>
<p>'I have greatly enjoyed this visit and meeting you again, Mr Putin,' Kim said, shaking Vladimir's hand as his delegation and security boarded the train. Then Kim shook Bashar's hand. 'It has been an honour meeting you for the first time, Mr al-Assad, and I hope we can meet again soon.' </p>
<p>'Shukran, Mr Kim, it has been an honour to meet you too,' Bashar said, trying to forget the image of Kim eating soap. </p>
<p>'I'd best be on my way now,' Kim said, climbing onboard his green train and sitting by a window. As the train pulled out, Kim waved at Vladimir and Bashar and they waved back. </p>
<p>Vladimir and Bashar stood on the platform for a while after Kim's train had left. Putin, with his hands clasped together against his chest, turned to Bashar and said 'The sun is going down, Bashar... follow me. I have something to show you.' </p>
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